I honestly hate the feeling of having someone I know (or think I do) just disappear without a word or without any notice or any warnings and be inaccessible in all the ways that I used to be able to reach out to them through. I used to anticipate hearing from you, and it became a routine. And then one day you just left, without a word. And i go back there everyday, checking, waiting for some news, waiting for you to come back with some sort of explanation. And after a long time I realise my wait is futile, that i’m wasting my time, and i stop checking, i stop waiting, stop expecting. It is a forgotten routine. And this leaves me with such an empty feeling. I don’t know why but all i wanted during that time was for you to be alright.
But you had to come back, just when i was about to forget about you and move on. You apologised, and everyone seems to be able to accept it and pretend that nothing ever happened and you continue to do the things you love and people continue to love you. But it just feels different for me, it’s not the same anymore. I just feel sad, everytime i think of you, even though you seemed to have regained your usual routine. I still wonder, what was the reason you disappeared for such a long time even though you insist it’s personal. I feel slightly betrayed and disappointed, but i dont know at what or by what. I feel so dumb, feeling and thinking all of this, when i dont even and wont ever get to know you personally.
“I have to apologize a million, maybe another million times for leaving without a reason.” But apologizing doesn’t help. I guess this only teaches me not to get too attached to anything.
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